


The Decision

by luckygrandma11



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29774355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckygrandma11/pseuds/luckygrandma11
Summary: Chakotay makes a decision.
Relationships: Chakotay (Star Trek)/Original Female Character(s), Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn Janeway/Original Non-Human Character(s)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	The Decision

**Author's Note:**

> I don't claim any ownership of Star Trek Voyager or its characters. I just like to play around with them. :)
> 
> I was bored... and this happened. :)

** **

Chakotay had made a decision. It wasn’t what he really wanted, but he had made it. After over 6 years in the Delta Quadrant, he couldn’t live like this anymore. He wasn’t made this way. He was in love with a woman who wouldn’t return his affections. Hell, she wouldn’t even admit she had those feelings, or any feelings for him, other than friendship. But he knew. He knew she did, she just wouldn’t admit it to herself, or if she did, she wouldn’t allow herself to have it. 

Sometimes they came so close. Sometimes he could almost see her give in, but when those times came, she always caught herself. She always pulled back, or stopped the conversation… or non-conversation… before anything could happen.

He loved her. He loved her more than anyone he had ever loved in his life. She seemed to be an extension of him, somehow. But he couldn’t go on this way. He was slowly… dying… inside. 

So, he made a decision. 

~~~

Kathryn noticed that Chakotay seemed quieter than usual. He kept himself busy at his console & only looked up at her when she spoke to him. Even then, something was different. She couldn’t exactly put her finger on it, but something was definitely different.

“Chakotay, are you alright?”She had leaned over and whispered so no one else had heard her query.

“I’m fine.”His answer was short, but not unkind. 

“You seem like you’re far away today.”

“Really? I’m sorry Captain, I’ll try to keep my mind from wandering.” He smiled at her, but it wasn’t the dimpled smile she loved so much. It was a mild, stationary smile that he reserved for alien diplomats or crew he wasn’t as close to. He didn’t seem angry. Something was different though. She decided to try again.

“Are you free for dinner tonight?”

He looked up from his Console and looked into her eyes. The look was almost vacant. She was sure he was going to say no, that he needed some time alone. And she was ready to give him that time. Sometimes, they both needed that time. But instead, he said,

“My quarters or yours?”This time his smile moved a fraction beyond the stiff smile of a moment ago. 

“Mine. I’ll replicate something for us and we can go over the crew roster while we’re at it.”She added the crew roster into the mix to see if his expression would change. She wanted to see disappointment or something that said he didn’t want to spend their time together working on their off hours. She was also hoping for a quip about her cooking, but it didn’t come. Without a delay he replied,

“Okay. Nineteen hundred hours alright with you?”She sighed. His answer was without any real emotion. There was definitely something wrong. She would find out tonight. She needed to know. 

“I’ll see you then. I’m going to work on some things in my ready room. You have the bridge Commander.” 

She had said the last sentence loud enough for the rest of the bridge crew to hear her. Then she stood & walked to her ready room. As the door opened, she quickly looked back to Chakotay. Usually, he would chance a glance at her & maybe smile his dimpled smile for her before she went to work in the office, but this time, he was still looking at his Console intently. She sighed silently and walked through the doors.

~~~

He heard the doors swish closed, then slowly turned his head to look that direction. He had made his decision & she needed to know about it. He had accepted her invitation to dinner so he would have that opportunity to talk to her alone. He wasn’t angry with her; he was just… empty. Tonight, he would explain. 

~~~

Kathryn glanced at the chronometer in her bedroom & saw that she had a few minutes before Chakotay would be there. She was deciding what she should wear. She had made this a working dinner, so he would probably be in uniform. But she didn’t want to be in uniform tonight, and she actually didn’t want to work on the crew roster. She wanted to talk to Chakotay, not the Commander. 

Seeing him so quiet and distant today had made her nervous. She wanted her free and easy relationship back. She had noticed that over the last few weeks, he had been quieter and… contemplative? It was as though he had something on his mind and couldn’t work through it. Perhaps she could help. 

She looked into her closet & saw a bit of blue hiding in the back. She reached in and pulled out the blue shift-type dress that had been a favorite of hers (and Chakotay’s) while they were on New Earth. Unconsciously, she wanted him to think of New Earth. Perhaps, it would make him realize that, even though she couldn’t say it out loud, the feelings & closeness they had felt there were still between them. 

She desperately wanted to be able to tell him how she felt. She loved him. She knew that now. She had fought with herself about the feelings for years, but finally, she had admitted that, yes, it was love. In fact, it was a deeper love than she had ever felt before. 

She had loved Mark. She had loved Justin. She had even loved Cheb, in a childish way. But this was different. This was all encompassing. It filled her with joy & excitement. She wanted to spend as much time with him as she possibly could, without being obvious. What made this amazing love she had for him so hard was that she couldn’t show these emotions to the crew, or to him. Her responsibility as captain was too vital. It was the most important entity in her life right now. And, even though, she’d like nothing more than to jump into Chakotay’s arms every time she saw him, she knew that until each member of her crew was home and safe, she couldn’t indulge in anything that might get in the way of that mission. 

But she also fought with herself on that front as well. Would loving him really stop her from completing that mission? The strain it put on her to keep her emotions in check and hidden was sometimes so heavy she thought she might break under the weight of it. No, no matter how much she wanted to be with him, she couldn’t take that chance. Could she? No, she couldn’t. This relationship would just have to wait until they were home. 

~~~

Chakotay stepped into the captain’s quarters somewhat timidly. He noticed immediately that she was not in uniform, but was wearing a dress that she wore in his dreams. For a moment his breath caught and he could see her standing before him with her long hair flowing down her back, wearing that dress while he prepared their food in the shelter they shared on New Earth. He tried not to think about New Earth… ever. It hurt too much. But now, he couldn’t stop the flow of images and feelings that drifted through him. 

He shook his head to clear it of those thoughts and handed Kathryn a bottle of wine. “I thought we might enjoy this with dinner.” It was all he could think to say while he still tried to rid himself of the images that wouldn’t leave his mind. 

“Thank you,” she had replied in a whisper so low; he almost hadn’t heard her. “Dinner is ready. Shall we eat?”

He nodded silently and pulled her chair out for her to sit down. Then he sat himself across from her.

They ate in relative silence. It wasn’t their normal comfortable silence. Each of them had conversations rolling around in their minds but were unable to make their mouths do anything but eat the food & drink the wine. The tension was mounting and after they had eaten most of what Kathryn had prepared, Chakotay couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Kathryn, I need to talk to you.”

“Okay. Are you alright, Chakotay?” It seemed he was going to let her in on what was bothering him now. She looked across at his solemn face & her stomach felt heavy and slightly sour. 

“No, I’m not. Kathryn, I need to tell you something, actually, explain something, and I need you to listen. Please don’t interrupt or ask questions until I’m finished. I have to get this out. Can you do that for me?”

It was a sincere question. He wasn’t angry, but he was nervous and upset. She simply nodded her head, then replied,

“Okay, but let’s take our wine and sit on the sofa. We’ll be more comfortable. Is that alright?”

He didn’t think anywhere in these quarters would be ‘more comfortable’ but he nodded his head slightly and picked up their glasses and the bottle and headed for the sofa. 

Kathryn followed, but something in her brain told her she should run away from this conversation. However, her body didn’t listen to her brain and she sat at the opposite end of the sofa and pulled her feet up under her to get comfortable. 

Chakotay handed Kathryn her glass and drank what was left in his in one gulp. He turned his body toward her. There was nearly a meter between them, but it felt at once like a kilometer or millimeters, he couldn’t decide.

“Kathryn, I’m not saying any of this to hurt you in any way. I simply need to say it and then I need to make some changes. I want you to know what’s going on and I can’t think of any way to tell you except to just say it.”

She didn’t say anything. She had promised to let him talk and not interrupt. But in reality, she didn’t say anything because her mouth wouldn’t open. It seemed to be paralyzed. She couldn’t even muster a small smile. But either he didn’t notice, or he simply ignored her non-reaction, and went on.

“I love you Kathryn. I’ve loved you for years now. I know, in my heart, that you are the only woman I will ever love this way. You’re a part of me. Sometimes, when we’re fighting or when you pull away from me for a while, I feel as though a part of myself has been sliced away. As though my arm or leg was missing. Or perhaps more accurately, I feel like a part of my heart is missing.”

Kathryn was looking deeply into his eyes. When he had said the words, ‘I love you’, she had looked up into his dark, beautiful eyes and hadn’t been able to look away while he continued to speak. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and might have spoken, but Chakotay continued.

“I can’t continue this way, Kathryn. I wasn’t meant to be alone. And I am… alone. You and I have a friendship that I cherish, but I need so much more. I need the woman I love to be the last person I see at night, curled up against me in bed, and the first person I see in the morning. I need to be able to embrace my love and tell her that I love her every day, maybe even every hour. I need a family. I don’t necessarily mean children, though that is also a dream of mine, but a family in the sense that when I go home at night after work, my family is waiting for me, to embrace me and make me feel loved and wanted. I need these things Kathryn. I’m not really talking about sex, although that has to enter into it too. I’m talking more about the intimacy that comes from loving someone and having that person love you back. You seem to be unable or unwilling to accept this from me or give it back to me, so, I have made a decision that, in all honesty, I’d rather not have to make.”

At this point, Kathryn had tears forming in her eyes, but she had not taken them from his. She felt the need to say something…

“Chakotay…”

“No Kathryn, I need to finish this. Please.”

She nodded again and one small tear slid down her cheek. She continued to look into his eyes, trying to hold onto her composure.

“I need to move on, Kathryn. I need to find someone who can give me what I need and to whom I can give that love in return. It will never be the love that I have for you. That love will never leave my heart. But I must make room for someone to make this existence livable. If I don’t, I think I’ll slowly die. Kathryn, in order to do this, I must separate myself from you. I’ll still be your First Officer and your friend, but it can’t be as it has been. I must pull back and protect my heart and find a way to offer it to another. Please understand. I don’t know what else to do.”

He was silent then and broke the eye contact that they had continued throughout his monologue. He looked down at his hands in his lap and he noticed that his hands were getting wet as drops fell onto them from his face. 

Kathryn saw the tears and felt her own break out and flow down her cheeks to drip off her jaw & chin onto her own hands that were holding her wine glass in her lap.

“Do you want to say anything, Kathryn?”He looked up at her wet, shiny face & it took everything in him not to reach out and pull her into his arms and hold her as they cried together. But he held onto his reserve and simply waited for her to respond. 

“I don’t know what to say.” That was the truth. She was so overwhelmed with emotions and pain that she couldn’t find any words that would fix this, or change anything. She knew he was sincere and she also knew his heart was breaking. Hers was too. But as much as she wanted to throw herself into his arms, kiss away his tears and tell him she was his, she couldn’t seem to move at all. The paralyzed feeling in her mouth was back, so she was silent.

Chakotay looked at her for a long time, then stood and walked over to the dinner table where their dishes still sat. He picked them up along with the utensils and put them in the recycler. After he was done cleaning up, he walked silently to the door, turning around before it opened. 

Kathryn stood to walk him to the door, but she didn’t realize she was doing it. As she came close to him, she looked up at his face. It was still wet with tears and she started to lift her hand to wipe them away, but stopped herself and it dropped back to her side. 

He turned again to leave, but before he did, he turned back to her and lifted her chin gently with his forefinger. He looked into her reddened, moist eyes and leaned down close to her. The kiss he left on her lips was gentle, kind, loving and torture… for both of them. She didn’t pull away, but allowed the soft pressure of his lips to continue until he slowly pulled back. That kiss… that beautiful, painful kiss… said goodbye. 

He turned, walked out the doors and they swished closed, as she watched. 

~~

The first few weeks didn’t see any drastic changes. The majority of the crew only saw the command relationship between the Captain and the Commander, and that hadn’t changed, it seemed. But the senior staff and especially the bridge crew knew that something had changed. Tom noticed that Chakotay didn’t make his normal appearance in the Ready Room each morning about 30 minutes after the Captain entered into it. He also noticed that when they were sitting together behind him, the banter was missing. There didn’t seem to be an angry tension in the air, but there was something. He couldn’t figure it out. So, he decided that it couldn’t be too important and tried not to think too much about it. The rest of the senior staff and bridge crew did the same, that is, until they noticed that the Commander had been seen out on what seemed to be ‘dates’ with some of the female crew. There wasn’t any one person in particular, so again, they thought, maybe he was just trying to get to know some of the obscure members of the crew a little better. 

He was seen in the mess hall with Alice Ferber an ensign from Stellar Cartography. She was a shy, slightly mousy individual who mostly avoided the more energetic groups of the crew. But when the Commander had asked if she would like to eat with him in the mess hall, she couldn’t say no. Not because he was her superior officer, he had made it clear that he was asking as a friend, not her commanding officer. It was because she had had a crush on him for as long as she could remember and she was so awestruck when he asked, she wasn’t able to find her voice at all. So, she had nodded her assent and met him in the mess hall that evening. After their dinner, he had walked her to her quarters and said goodnight. 

Then he was seen with Nicole LeBeaunt from security. They were seen at Sandrine’s having a drink and talking cozily at a corner table. She was a crewman who never did put much credence into Starfleet’s fraternization policy and was delighted when Chakotay had asked her for a drink. As they walked down the corridor to the turbolift she suggested that they go to his quarters to have another drink and ‘talk’. Chakotay smiled at her but said he had an early shift the next day and perhaps they could do that another time. 

The list went on. After about six different women had gone out with Chakotay and nothing came of it, even the senior staff stopped watching so closely. However, someone _was_ watching closely. 

Kathryn had seen or heard about the many rendezvous that Chakotay had. She had seen him smiling at Alice, laughing at some private joke with Nicole and she had seen him with most of the others as well. She never let on that it bothered her. In fact, she actually spoke with the couple when she bumped into Chakotay and Barbara Wilson from Maintenance in the corridor on deck 2. For just a brief moment she had looked into Chakotay’s eyes and had seen something; guilt, or embarrassment, but it was gone as quickly as it had been there. In fact, when the encounter was over, Kathryn was able to convince herself she never saw it at all. 

The one thing she did notice with all of his ‘dates’, was that he didn’t take the same girl out twice. Apparently, at least to her eyes, he wasn’t really interested in them at all. Something inside her hoped that he was actually trying to make her jealous. She _was_ , of course, but it didn’t change anything. So, Kathryn just kept going on, day after day, hoping that somehow, somewhere, they’d find a shortcut home so she could put a stop to his ‘dating’ and tell him what he so wanted and needed to hear. Then, he met Lydia. 

~~~

Chakotay was getting frustrated with his efforts to find someone to make a life with. He knew it wasn’t the fault of the women he had dated. Each was lovely and intelligent. A couple were definitely fun to be around. However, he just didn’t feel anything that told him to pursue any of those relationships. He tried to seek the help of his spiritual guide, but she just wanted to play and didn’t give him any words of advice that he could use. He saw how Kathryn was watching, but he tried not to think that this might be hurting her. He had told her what he was looking for and she had to get used to the idea just as he did. But after seeing several women, he was about to give up entirely, then he heard her laugh across the mess hall. 

Her name was Lydia Robins. She was a lieutenant who worked in the Science Department. She was very beautiful with her long, wavy, light-brown hair and large teal-green eyes. She had just a spattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks that he thought was extremely cute. She was petite but not quite as small as Kathryn. And when she smiled, she could light up an entire room. 

Chakotay didn’t know Lydia well. He had met her on several occasions when she was with others in a group, but he had never spoken to her alone. He liked her soft, deep voice. He liked the way her left eyebrow crooked up when she looked up from under her lashes at someone. She was graceful in her movements and was very feminine without giving up any of her strength or power. But what he liked best about her was her laugh. It wasn’t a giddy, girlish laugh, but a strong, almost guffaw-type of laugh. When she laughed, she invited everyone to laugh with her. 

As Chakotay watched Lydia interact with her friends, he didn’t notice that Kathryn had come into the mess hall. She stood quietly speaking to Neelix and gathering a few items for dinner when she noticed Chakotay across the room. He was looking at a group of crew members that were sitting several tables away from him. He seemed mesmerized. Then she heard Lydia’s laugh and saw his face light up. At that moment, her heart sank. This could actually happen, she thought. She saw a small smile stretch across his face until his dimples started showing. Her heart was beating faster now and she had stopped listening to Neelix’s chatter. When he stopped speaking, she heard him say, “Captain? Captain, are you alright?”

She brought her attention back to Neelix and told him she was fine. Then she headed for a table across from both Chakotay’s table and the one where Lydia was sitting and sat quietly, pushing her food around her plate. She watched as Chakotay stood and made his way over to the group’s table and spoke to them for a minute. As he backed up a step or two, Lydia stood and accompanied him a few steps away where they could converse privately. Kathryn saw Lydia watch Chakotay with interest, then nod her head and smile at him. They spoke for a few minutes more, then he headed back to his table and she returned to her group. As he headed back to clear his dinner dishes, he noticed Kathryn watching him. She didn’t look away, but smiled at him. It was a sad, but kind smile and he knew she was hurt, but he couldn’t help her. After clearing his table, he looked over at Lydia again, then back to Kathryn. His heart hurt to see her sitting alone at the table, knowing that all he really wanted was to go to her and brighten her day. But that wasn’t his responsibility anymore. He had to move on. 

~~~

Time moved on and Lydia and Chakotay became a common sight. They ate in the mess hall together. They were seen at Sandrine’s and also in the pub in Fair Haven when that program was running. They also reserved the holodeck for private off hour recreation together. When he felt it was appropriate, Chakotay mentioned to the Captain that shore leave might be a morale booster for the crew. She knew he wanted time with Lydia somewhere off the ship and though it broke her heart, she told him she would keep it in mind when they found a friendly planet. 

Each day Chakotay seemed more and more satisfied with his budding new relationship, and each day Kathryn felt herself slip deeper into a depression that could take her over. 

~~~

They had been traveling along without incident for over a month and were looking for a planet in the next system to find some much-needed supplies, when they were hailed. 

“We’re being hailed, Captain,” Mr. Kim stated in a matter-of-fact manner. 

“Do we know from where? Or who?” The Captain hadn’t heard a ship mentioned so she wanted to know who might know of their position in this area.

“The hail is coming from the third planet in the next system. They seem to have a very powerful communications system. We aren’t able to scan the planet for anything other than atmosphere and lifeforms yet.”

“On screen Mr. Kim.”

“Greetings to the starship coming in our direction. We welcome all visitors as long as they are non-violent and mean us no harm. Are you friend or foe?” This strange greeting came from a small, grayish, reptilian-like male on the screen. He didn’t seem threatening, but Kathryn wasn’t completely at ease either. 

“Greetings. I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager. We are a peaceful crew and mean you no harm. We find ourselves far from our home and in need of supplies. We were hoping you might be able to help us in this endeavor.”

The small, grayish being tipped his head almost to a 90-degree angle as though he thought his screen was turned the wrong way. Then he up-righted his head and made a face that Kathryn interpreted as a smile. 

“You are welcome here. I am Madizim, leader of the third planet in our system. Each of four of our five planets have a different leader, but we all coordinate to supply each planet with whatever the others have that we are in need of. I can state that you will be able to supply your ship from any of the four planets without danger. What is it that you are in need of?”

“I will have my senior staff put together a list of items we can use and perhaps we can initiate a trade after you see the list. I look forward to meeting you in person Mr. Madizim.”

The little man looked intently at Janeway, then smiled again. 

“Madizim, Captain. I am not sure what putting the ‘mister’ ahead of my name means in your language, but here we have only one name and no titles. So, what name should I call you?”

Kathryn wanted to say he could call her Captain, but her intuition said that using a title might offend the man.

“You may call me Kathryn, Madizim. We normally have one or more names and we do have titles, but for our negotiations, you may call me by my given name.” 

She turned toward Chakotay who was standing next to her.

“This is Comm… this is Chakotay. He will assist me in getting our list together and will contact you as soon as it is ready. Is this satisfactory for you?”

Again, Madizim turned his head at that strange angle, then righted it again.

“Of course, Kathryn. I look forward to hearing from your Chakotay.”

The screen then went back to the starscape and Kathryn turned to look at Chakotay.

“This should prove interesting.” She couldn’t help but inwardly warm a little at the words ‘your Chakotay’ that Madizim had used. She supposed that their language was more than a little strange to him, even with the translator. The translator only translated as much as it could, then it was left to them to interpret the rest. 

She hoped that Chakotay would also take some enjoyment out of Madizim’s reference to him as ‘her Chakotay’, but she saw nothing of that in his expression. 

“I’ll get with the other senior staff and get their lists, Captain,” was all he said. 

“Very well Commander. Did you have any other observations regarding this Madizim? I wasn’t quite sure what to make of him.”

“I didn’t feel completely at ease with his communication, but I saw and heard nothing that set off alarms. Let’s just be careful and use caution in our approach.”

“Agreed. Let me know when the lists are ready Commander.”

With that, the conversation was over and Chakotay left her on the bridge to head to Engineering. 

~~~

Kathryn didn’t have much time to think about Chakotay’s new romance. They were in orbit around the planet Madizim had called Madeira. She thought how strange it was to call it that when it resembled nothing like the islands of Madeira in the territory of Portugal, she knew so well. This planet was warm, but not sunny and it was wet. It seemed to have a mist that stayed in the air all the time. The air was breathable, but several of the crew who had been on the planet found that they were uncomfortable breathing the air for any length of time. A few of those crewmen seemed to have developed a cold and had sinus congestion and their throats were sore. 

Kathryn had also noticed that her throat was sore and she found the air heavy and was conscious of her breathing as though she needed to remind herself to breathe. But it wasn’t annoying enough to keep her from the negotiations.

When they had originally beamed down to the planet Madeira, they had been met by all four of the leaders of each planet. It was explained to her then that the first planet in the system was actually a dead planet. No one lived there. Each leader told her what their planet could offer and she was pleased to hear that there were many minerals and food stuffs that they could bargain for on each of the planets. She immediately noticed that one of the leaders wasn’t the same species as the rest. He was taller, more humanoid and he had black eyes. He looked intensely at her. She wasn’t sure if he made her nervous, or if it was something else. 

She, Chakotay, Tuvok, Ayala, Torres and three other security crewmen made up the Away Team. Once they had spoken to each of the leaders, it was decided that they would stay together as an Away Team on each planet instead of sending shuttles. There was something that told Kathryn, and Chakotay that they needed to stay together, and that they needed to have Voyager within beam out distance, just in case. 

Madizim was friendly enough, but the way he continued to look at them with his head crooked to one side was unnerving to Kathryn. After the fifth or sixth time he did it, she couldn’t help herself.

“Madizim, I notice that you hold your head at an angle while looking at us. Forgive my curiosity, but is this something to do with your physiology or your skeletal structure? Again, I apologize if my question offends you. I am only curious about the differences between our species.”

Madizim stared at Kathryn for a long time without saying anything. She was getting very nervous and was about to apologize again and tell him it didn’t matter, when he said:

“When I view you in your upright stance, I cannot see your aura. When I open my side eyes and turn my head on its side, I can see it. It helps me to know how to react to what you say to me. Without seeing your aura, as I can see with all the Madeirans, I might misinterpret your meaning even if I understand your words. I hope this is not frightening to you or thought to be aggressive. We are not telepaths, but without seeing your aura, we cannot truly decipher your intentions.”

“That is fascinating. One of the parts of ‘first contact’ that I truly enjoy is getting to know the differences and commonalities of our species. I believe I understand what you’re telling me. We use other methods of ‘reading’ a person’s intent. It might be in their eyes, or in their posture, but we also see others with a second set of eyes, in a way.”

Madizim looked at Kathryn for a long time, turning his head and righting it again before he smiled and reached out his hand to hers. 

“This gesture is a welcoming one,” he said as he placed his cool, slightly moist hand on top of the back of hers and pushed gently downward. As she accepted the gesture, she smiled and then started to cough. It was a small cough to begin with, but got heavier and deeper as it continued. 

Chakotay moved to her side and put a hand on her back but didn’t pat her as he tried to decide whether she had choked or if she was in some kind of distress. After he saw that she wasn’t getting it under control. He told Madizim that he wanted to take Kathryn back to the ship and have the doctor check her out. 

Madizim nodded and backed away a few steps as Chakotay called for a beam out and he and the Captain disappeared into a blue light. 

~~~

“What’s wrong with her Doctor?” Chakotay was concerned, even though the hypospray had calmed the coughing fit.

“I’ve seen this in several of the Away Team. Your lungs are not set up to filter all the moisture that is going into them by just breathing the air down there. But I have developed a derivative of an antihistamine that seems to help. I’ve given it to Ayala and Crewman Stilford with good results. I’ve just given it to the Captain in that hypospray. She should have no trouble breathing when on the planet for now. But I think we should limit how long anyone stays on the planet.”

“I wonder if the other planets in this system have the same atmosphere. I’m going to have Seven do a complete analysis of all the planets before we go down to any of the others. We’re nearly done on Madeira anyway.”

Chakotay hit his combadge and told Seven what he needed. After speaking to her, he looked again at Kathryn and then started to walk away.

“Chakotay? Will you be going back to the planet with me? We need to finish this negotiation so we can move on to the next planet.”

“Are you going back so soon? Shouldn’t you rest for a while?”He looked at the doctor for confirmation.

“She’s fit to go back for now. But I don’t want either of you on planet for more than 60 minutes without at least a 60-minute break back on Voyager. And, I want to check on everyone who goes to the planet as soon as they return… each time. I would also like Mr. Paris to accompany the Away Team. I’m giving him a respiratory device that will help clear the lungs if anyone has an adverse reaction to the atmosphere again.”

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. The news that they were heading back to the planet right away seemed to annoy him, or maybe she just thought that was the emotion she saw.

“Very well Doctor. Commander, please inform Mr. Paris to report to the Doctor then be ready to beam back to the planet in 20 minutes.”

“Aye Captain.” That was all he said, then he was gone. 

~~~ 

Negotiations went on without a hitch. Madizim was fascinated with the holodeck programs that were offered as a trade. Kathryn had found out that the Madeirans had holodecks, though their programs were quite bland compared to some of Voyager’s. So, the trade was made & they received plenty of food and some metals that they needed. There would be more of the metals and rock elements that they needed at the next planets. After two days of trading, they moved on. 

~~~ 

They soon discovered that all the inhabitants of the 3 planets they had been on called themselves Madeirans, even though their planets had different names. The two other planets they visited were similar to Madeira, but with each one the atmosphere seemed slightly different, though still difficult to breathe for any length of time. The Doctor had created another hypospray that helped and they were able to finish their trading and move on. 

When they got to the fifth and last planet in the system, they discovered that it was completely different. Kathryn had noticed, when she met all the leaders, on the first planet, that one of the leaders was taller, thinner, and not at all reptilian in appearance. He was the most humanoid of all the species. He had introduced himself as Ruzkim and had bowed deeply when they met. He was also the only one of all the leaders who didn’t turn his head constantly while reading her ‘aura’ as Madizim had put it. 

There was something about Ruzkim that fascinated Kathryn. He had an intense gaze but he had a sense of humor. He seemed to take great delight in making her laugh. He also had those amazing black eyes, instead of the yellowish-orange of the other leaders. She asked him why his species was so different from the others. He explained:

“This system of planets belonged to my people, Renatians. We were a simple people. We lived life to be happy and didn’t mind when travelers came to visit. We were probably very naïve. Long before I was born, travelers came to trade with the Renatians and instead conquered and enslaved them. We stayed slaves to these intruders for many seasons before the Madeirans came to trade. They had no knowledge of our plight, but quickly surmised that we were being held against our will. At first, they tried not to get involved, but simply made their trades. But they saw that the intruders were not honest in their dealings and even heard rumors that they were making plans to enslave the Madeirans as well. 

We soon discovered, as did the intruders, that they were no match for these small reptilian creatures. The intruders, seeing that they were losing the battle, fled in fear. 

We were very grateful to the Madeirans and because they were nomads who were traveling to find a new home after theirs was destroyed due to a natural phenomenon, we invited them to stay. We did not live on the other 3 planets in our system because of the moisture in the atmosphere. It destroyed our lungs after a long period. But the Madeirans discovered it was nearly perfect for their physiology and they took up residence on three of the four planets, while we stayed on the fifth. The first planet in the system, as you may have discovered with your scans, is a dead planet. It cannot sustain life. We have lived in harmony ever since. But we are very wary of travelers now. The Madeirans have a strange but very effective way of deciding if any travelers are not what they seem. You may have seen how they view you when you speak to them. It seems a bit odd, but again, it is very effective. Madizim told me much about you after your first meeting with him. He was very complimentary.”

Kathryn nodded and even blushed a little. Ruzkim smiled at her as they continued their walk back to his office building. Ruzkim was very accommodating to the Voyager crew. They were allowed to have shore leave and the uses of the beautiful beaches as well as the mountains and other recreational areas on Renatia. 

~~~ 

Kathryn was in her Ready Room when the door chimed. “Enter,” she answered.

Chakotay entered and stood before her desk until she raised her head and looked at him. 

“Permission to take shore leave for the next three days Captain.”

He said it in such a military manner that Kathryn was taken aback. 

“Of course, I thought you had already put yourself on the schedule Chakotay.”

“Yes, I did. I just wanted to be sure you didn’t need me for anything else before I go.”

“No, I’m fine. In fact, I’ll be beaming down for some shore leave of my own. Ruzkim has invited me to stay at his home, which is more like a resort. It sits on one of the beaches and from what I saw, it looks like a lovely, quiet place to rest. My lungs are still recovering from the damage incurred on the other planets. The doctor has said that the atmosphere on this planet will be beneficial.”

“I’m sorry you’re still having some problems with them. I hope you feel better. Have a good time.” He said these things with very little expression in his voice, but Kathryn noticed that his voice wavered ever so slightly when he said the last sentence. She wondered if he was also having some lung problems. 

“Are you okay Chakotay? You’re not having any residual problems from the atmosphere on the other planets, are you?”

“No Captain. I’m fine. Lydia and I are also staying at the beach. The Renatians offered a lovely beach resort to several of the crew, so we’re looking forward to that.” He looked at her carefully, trying to see if anything he said caused her any discomfort. If it did, she hid it well. She seemed fine with everything he had said. He turned to leave. 

“Chakotay?”Her voice was trembling, he definitely could hear it. He turned back around to see her face looking up at him. Whatever she was thinking, she wasn’t angry and seemed to sincerely want to speak to him. 

“Yes, Captain?”She was slow to answer, but finally took a deep breath and asked,

“Do you love her?”

His heart may have missed a beat and his breath caught as he tried to calm himself before answering her. 

“I… care about her. It could become love, if I let it. She has much to offer and she seems open to letting me in.”

“I want to be happy for you. I really do. Give me some time. Okay?”

“Kathryn…”

“No, Chakotay, you don’t need to explain anything. I really do understand. I promise. But, and please tell me to mind my own business if you want to, but I need to say something.”

He slowly nodded and held her eyes with his. 

“Please, be sure you love her before you make any decisions. I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone, but please be careful with her feelings. She’s a lovely young woman. I like her very much and I can see she’s developing deep feelings for you. You told me that no one would be able to take my place, but you need to change that. She needs to be first in your mind, before anyone, before me. I don’t want my inability to give you what you want and need, to hurt someone as lovely as Lydia. Please be sure you love her. Okay?”

At first, he let himself feel a little angry that she would say this to him. But as he thought about it, he _had_ told her that he would never love anyone as he loves her. That was still true. But he wanted to be able to love Lydia enough to make her happy and to be happy himself. He could see now that Kathryn wanted that for him too. But he could also see the pain. It was a pain he understood, very well. 

~~~ 

Kathryn was having a good time. She didn’t think she would, but Ruzkim was a gracious host and he made her laugh. She needed to laugh. They swam in the ocean, but not for too long. Kathryn’s lungs were still healing. They walked along the beach and talked and laughed. She felt good. It was a wonderful feeling. At a point along the way, they stopped and looked at a large bird flying overhead. She shaded her eyes and watched the bird fly and swoop. She loved being on the planet. It was wonderful to be off the ship and feel the sunlight on her face. As she watched the bird, she was suddenly aware that Ruzkim was blocking some of the sunlight as he came closer. His hand skimmed along her cheek and she closed her eyes to enjoy the feeling. Then she felt his lips on hers and it startled her. She quickly pulled away and looked up at him. 

“I’m sorry Ruzkim, I’m just not ready for anything like that. Please forgive me if I gave you the wrong impression.”

“No Kathryn, you didn’t. I just saw your lovely face and was drawn to it. I apologize for my forwardness.”

“It’s okay. Let’s continue walking, shall we?”

He took her hand in his and she allowed it. They walked hand in hand until they heard a group of Voyagers ahead. 

There were just three or four of them on the beach, but they seemed upset and were shouting at the ocean. 

“Are you okay Chakotay? Lydia! He’s right there, next to you!”

Kathryn saw that Ayala was laying on the beach with a couple of crewmen next to him trying to help him. 

“What’s going on? Is Ayala okay?”

“Captain, Ayala had some trouble when he was swimming a couple of us went out to help him. Chakotay and Lydia were with us. Then, while we got Ayala back to the beach, Chakotay started to go under and Lydia was trying to help him. Now they’re both struggling. Lydia’s still trying to get Chakotay out!”

Kathryn looked at Ruzkim and they both started to run toward the water. Swimming out to Chakotay and Lydia, Kathryn didn’t notice how hard it was to breathe until it was too late. Ruzkim continued out to Chakotay and grabbed him around his chest. He asked Lydia if she could get herself back. She said she could so he swam with Chakotay in his arms to the shore. Kathryn was still struggling to get to Lydia. She saw Ruzkim with Chakotay and when she got to Lydia, she could see that she was struggling, but just from fatigue. It must have worn her out to try to swim with Chakotay’s bulk in her arms. Kathryn was breathing heavily and between gasps asked:

“Lydia… are… you… okay?”

“I’m tired Captain, but I can make it. Are you okay?”Lydia had noticed how out of breath the captain was. 

“Yes, I’m… fine… I’m…”

But then, she wasn’t fine. She went under the first time and was surprised that she didn’t have any strength left. She felt someone’s arm go around her chest and someone pulled her head to lay back on a shoulder. Lydia was swimming with all her might to pull her captain out of the ocean waters. 

As soon as Chakotay was on the beach, the others knelt by him to help get the water out of his lungs and someone called for a beam out for both him and Ayala. Before he beamed out, Chakotay was aware and asked where Kathryn was. Ruzkim looked into the ocean and saw Lydia struggling to bring Kathryn in. Without answering Chakotay, he immediately ran and jumped back into the water. Ruzkim was able to take Kathryn from Lydia and Lydia was able to get herself back to shore. Then Kathryn was also beamed to the ship while Ruzkim watched her dissolve into a blue shimmering light. 

~~~ 

Chakotay was just becoming conscious again. He knew he had been beamed to the ship just as Ruzkim had headed back to the ocean to get Kathryn. But he didn’t know how Kathryn was. He needed to know. He had suffered from a lack of oxygen and his brain was unclear. But he knew he needed to see Kathryn before he would agree to anything else. 

There was a young woman standing next to him. He looked at her and knew he should know her, but all he could think of was Kathryn. 

He thrashed about calling her name over and again. The young woman tried to calm him as tears slid down her cheeks. Soon the doctor came over and released a hypospray into his neck. Then there was blackness. 

~~~ 

Kathryn had heard him calling for her and wanted to go to him, but she couldn’t get up from the biobed. Her head was swimming and her lungs were on fire. Her coughing was so painful. The doctor released a hypospray into her neck and she too saw blackness. 

~~~ 

While they slept, Lydia and Ruzkim were talking in the mess hall. Tuvok had agreed to allow him aboard while he waited to hear about Kathryn’s condition. Tuvok had led him to the mess hall and asked him to wait there until she was allowed visitors. That’s where Lydia had found him. 

She had left sickbay after Chakotay fell into unconsciousness. She didn’t know how she felt about everything. She cared about Chakotay. He was fun to be around. He was kind and considerate. He seemed to genuinely like her. In fact, she was pretty sure that he was falling in love with her. But after seeing and hearing him calling the captain’s name, she came to a sudden realization. Even if he did want to love her, he couldn’t stop himself from loving the captain more. They had all heard the rumors that he was in love with the captain and that she was in love with him. But they knew that neither had acted upon that love, probably because of duty, protocols, and a lot of other regulations that Starfleet imposed on its people in the Alpha Quadrant. It made sense in the AQ. But this wasn’t the AQ. This was the Delta Quadrant. Things are different here. 

She wandered into the mess hall to think and saw Ruzkim sitting alone. She walked over to him and asked if he’d like something to eat or drink. She introduced him to herbal tea and he seemed grateful. 

Suddenly, out of the blue, he said:

“She is in love with him, is she not?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“And he returns this love?”

“Yes.”She knew the answer to that question. 

“Then why are they not together?”

She tried to explain Starfleet regulations and such to him, but he just gave her the strangest look. 

“Humans are a confusing species.”

“Yes, we can be.” She smiled at him and he smiled back. 

“I will return to my planet, but I would like to see her once first. I just want to see that she is truly well.”

Just as he said that Tuvok came into the mess hall. 

“Mr. Ruzkim, you may see the captain now.”

Lydia smiled at him and encouraged him to go ahead.

~~~

Kathryn was sitting up on the biobed looking at the sleeping man in the bed next to her. Her face said everything. As soon as Ruzkim saw her, he knew. She looked up at him and smiled.

“I just wanted to see for myself that you were well.”

“I’m fine. I just gave my lungs a bigger workout than they were ready for.”

Ruzkim looked over at Chakotay.

“And he…?”

“He’ll recover. The doctor said his lungs had been giving him trouble too, but he was too stubborn to get treatment for it. He thought he could handle it on his own. I’ll have a thing or two to say to him when he wakes up.”

Ruzkim smiled.

“Will one of those things be to tell him that you love him?”

Kathryn looked up at him quickly and he smiled a very knowing smile at her. 

“Am I that transparent?”

“Humans are confusing to me. You love him and he loves you, yet you allow others who are not even in this quadrant to dictate what you will do about that love. Why is that?”

“Truthfully, right now, I’m not sure.”

“Be true to yourself, and to him. Love is a rare and precious thing. Take care of it. I must leave you now. Take care Kathryn. I will miss you.”

“Thank you for everything Ruzkim. I’ll never forget you.”

He took her hand and kissed her palm, then released her and walked out of sickbay to return to his home. 

~~~ 

Lydia stood beside Chakotay’s biobed. She looked over at her captain who was sleeping. Ruzkim was right, they belonged together. Humans _are_ confusing. She smiled to herself when she remembered what Ruzkim had said. She looked back at Chakotay and saw that his eyes were open and he was looking at her with full recognition. 

“Hi there sleepyhead. I thought you’d never wake up. You’ve slept half the day away. Listen, I’m going back down to the planet. A group of us want to see that mountain resort before we leave. I’m going to leave you in the good doctor’s hands.”

“You’re leaving without me?”

She glanced over at Kathryn who was still sleeping. “I think you’ve got all the company you need. Chakotay, love isn’t something you can decide you’re going to do. It’s something that just happens. When it happens between the right people, you can’t deny it. Convince her of that. Okay?”

She leaned down and kissed his cheek, then smiled and laughed her biggest laugh and was gone. 

Chakotay looked over toward Kathryn’s bed and saw that her eyes were open. She wasn’t looking at him, but at the ceiling. 

“Kathryn, how are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.”

“I guess I owe your boyfriend my life. I heard that he fished me out of the ocean and got me to safety. Then he did the same for you.”

Kathryn turned her head toward him. “He’s not my ‘boyfriend’ Chakotay. But he did save your life and mine.”

“I’m sorry Kathryn. I didn’t mean to be petty or unkind. Ruzkim seems like a very nice person.”

“He is.” That was all that Kathryn said, then she closed her eyes and Chakotay thought she had drifted back to sleep. In reality, she just needed to think about everything she’d heard and felt. She remembered what Ruzkim had said. And she had heard everything that Lydia had said to Chakotay. She was right. Love wasn’t something you could make happen. It just did.

~~~ 

Once Kathryn and Chakotay had been released to their quarters, things got back to ‘normal’. Tuvok finished all trade negotiations with the Renatians and they got back on their way toward the Alpha Quadrant. 

The doctor had given both the Captain and the Commander 48 hours off to rest. Both were in their quarters and both were not resting. 

“Janeway to Chakotay”

“Chakotay here. Kathryn, are you alright?”

“No… I’m not. Can you come to my quarters please?”

He was quiet for a moment, then: “On my way.”

~~~ 

He stood just inside her quarters. She was standing by the viewport looking out at the stars as they sped by them. She didn’t turn around when he came in, but said,

“Thank you for coming. I need to talk to you. Please come in and sit down.”

He moved toward the sofa, then changed his mind and sat in the chair across from the sofa. She was still standing at the viewport.

“Chakotay, I need to say something and I need you to listen. Please don’t interrupt until I tell you I’m finished. Okay?”

He smiled a little inwardly as she said almost the exact words he had spoken to her just a couple of months ago. “Okay Captain.”

She turned and looked at him and without words he knew that she wasn’t going to speak to him as the Captain. Kathryn needed to have her say. 

“Chakotay, I’ve learned a couple of things in the last few days. I’ve learned that Humans are a confusing species. At least, that’s what Ruzkim said. I’ve also learned that love isn’t something that you can make happen. It just does. And when it does, you can’t ignore it. It just won’t go away. If we could make it do what we wanted, we could all be happy without worrying about love. But love has a mind of its own. I’ve learned something else too.”

She turned fully to look at him and took a deep breath. 

“I’m in love with you.”

Chakotay held his breath.

“In fact, I’m so deeply in love with you, that I can sometimes hardly breathe. That’s not a joke… my lungs are well on their way to healing.”

During this speech, Chakotay’s mouth had slowly dropped open until he looked like a fish out of water. Kathryn noticed this, but tried not to let a smile show how much it tickled her.

“Starfleet has rules about fraternization that work well in the Alpha Quadrant, but we’re not in the Alpha Quadrant. We’re in the Delta Quadrant and we may never get back to the Alpha Quadrant. But whether we do or not, I don’t want to go anywhere unless you are by my side.”

Chakotay found his voice. “I’m always at your side, Kathryn.”

She took a step closer to him and looked at him intently.

“But I want more. I want your face to be the last one I see at night before we turn off the light in our bedroom. I want your face to be the first one I see in the morning before I get up to face another day in the Delta or the Alpha Quadrant. I want to come home to my family, which may consist of children, but should definitely consist of you and me, together. This needs to be something that is forever, Chakotay. Are you willing to make that kind of commitment?”

He nearly jumped to his feet and closed the gap between them. Taking her in his arms he told her:

“I love you Kathryn. I tried to love someone else, anyone else. I couldn’t do it. You are the only one I will ever love like this. I belong to you and you belong to me. Please be with me forever, please. Oh, Kathryn, be with me.” As he said the last words, he kissed her cheek, then continued to kiss down her face to her neck and nuzzled behind her ear. He played his tongue along the back of her ear taking delight in the moan that escaped her throat. 

Her knees became weak and he pulled her closer to keep her upright. His arms went around her waist. Her arms were on his chest and she took advantage by moving her hands across his chest and up to his face. She traced his tattoo, something she had wanted to do for years. She looked deeply into his eyes and then dropped her gaze to his mouth. 

He pulled her closer to him until he could kiss her comfortably, his arms around her back, her hands moved up his chest to his neck and up into his hair. The kiss deepened until when they broke apart, they were both gasping for breath. 

Kathryn was wearing the same blue dress that he remembered so well from New Earth. His hands ran over the soft thin material feeling the warmth of her back underneath it. 

She pulled his neck down until he was close enough to kiss him again. She kissed him lightly on the mouth but before he could deepen the kiss, she continued kissing him across his cheek, to his nose, his eyes, his brow. She kissed the tattoo, then backed away so she could see his face. His eyes were closed and she moved in on those lips again. 

Suddenly, with a burst of energy he didn’t know he had, he lifted her up into his arms and started walking to the bedroom. 

“Chakotay, stop.”

He did. In his tracks.

“We are not a fling. We are not a one-night stand. We are forever. Let’s make that commitment. Right now. Do you want to be with me forever, Chakotay?”

“Yes. Forever Kathryn.”

She was silent. They looked deeply into each other’s eyes. He understood. 

“Marry me Kathryn. Be mine forever and I will be yours. I love you more than my life. Please marry me.”

“If I say yes, we stop now, until it’s really forever. Until the commitment is made. Okay?”

“Yes, under one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“We get married right now!”

“No.”

“What?”

“No, we get married in 2 days. After the doctor has cleared us for ‘normal activity’. Agreed?”

He had totally forgotten that the doctor had said no strenuous activity for 48 hours. And it would be just like the doctor to be checking their vitals as they spoke. In fact, as he stood with Kathryn in his arms, he noticed that he was getting tired, and she was light to carry. Normally, he could carry her easily. She was right. They had the rest of their lives to be together in that way. Tonight, he just wanted her close to him. 

“Agreed.”

He put her down and pulled her close to him. She put her arms around his neck and he put his arms around her waist. They just stood there, holding each other. 

“Chakotay.”

“Hmmm?”

“The ship, the crew, they have to come first, until we’re home on Earth.”

“Yes, but when we’re off duty, as long as there are no threats or red alerts, we come first. Okay?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think Tuvok will perform the ceremony?”

“If he won’t, we’ll turn back to Madeira. I know Madizim would do it.”

“I love you Kathryn. I love you.”

“I’m scared Chakotay. I hate admitting that. I want this to work, but I’m scared.”

“That’s okay. As long as we’re together. We’ll make it work. We’re better together than apart. And we have our entire Voyager family behind us. They’ve wanted this almost as long as I have.”

“Really?”

“You heard Lydia in sickbay, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I heard her. I’m sorry I eavesdropped, but I couldn’t exactly get away. She’s a remarkable young woman. She tried to save my life and almost lost hers while she tried.”

“I know. She is a wonderful person. She said, you can’t make love happen. It just does.”

“I heard her. She’s right. I’ve been such a fool to think I could just forget about it. I thought I could make myself happy for you. But I was miserable. Every time you dated another woman from the crew, I was miserable. I tried not to feel that way, but I couldn’t stop. I want you to be happy Chakotay. But I want you with me. I even said that to myself sometimes. I want Chakotay to be happy, but not with her… with me!”

He chuckled a little and pulled her even closer. 

“When I saw you with Ruzkim, I was so jealous I couldn’t see straight. Here I had beautiful Lydia with me on a picturesque beach and all I could see was you and him, holding hands. That’s when I decided I needed to swim until I could forget. But I forgot that I wasn’t in good enough shape to swim like that because of my lungs. Lydia saw what I was doing and went after me right away. She helped keep me afloat until Ruzkim came and saved me.”

“Then the poor girl had to try to save me because all I could think of was getting to you. I completely forgot about my lungs too. In the end, Ruzkim and Lydia saved us both, in more ways than one.”

She smiled up at him. “I’m so tired Chakotay. Let’s go to bed and sleep together. I want to be in your arms tonight. The honeymoon can wait until after the wedding, but tonight I want to be close to you. Is that okay?”

“That is very ‘okay’. I love you Kathryn. Let’s go to bed.”

“I love you Chakotay. It feels good to say it out loud. I think I’ll just keep saying it until I fall asleep.” She smiled at the wide dimpled smile he gave her. 

They walked slowly into the bedroom and Kathryn took her nightgown into the bathroom. She returned a couple of minutes later wearing the nightgown. He could see that she had brushed her hair and her lips were wet, probably from brushing her teeth. 

He followed her lead, and used her toothpaste and his finger to brush his teeth. Then he stripped down to his t-shirt and his boxers. When he came out of the bathroom, Kathryn was already in the bed. She pulled back the covers indicating that he should join her. He climbed in and she immediately curled up to his side. He pulled her close to him.

“I love you Kathryn.”

“I love you Chakotay.”

Within a minute they were both sound asleep with their arms around each other. Neither Kathryn nor Chakotay had ever had such a good night’s sleep while they had been in the Delta Quadrant. They both slept in peace, feeling safe and loved. 


End file.
